A new priest at his first mass
was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the
monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ' When
I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the
monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he
got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office
after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the....out of him.
9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last
supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
(My Grandmother is rolling over in her grave right now!)
.
Any word on how long I am gonna be unable to view the videos due to the Flash 10? I used to love Glumbert. Haven't been able to view any clips for over a month now!
When Daniel was traveling between the lands of Babylon and Judea,
He fell among robbers - not robbers of the purse - but robbers of the arse.
And for 40 days and 40 nights Daniel did debugger the robbers,
And the robbers did likewise debugger Daniel.
And when Daniel came forth, he did an exceeding great shit,
Which was 40 cubits wide and 40 cubits high.
And the King got wind of it, and hearing that Daniel was the culprit,
Sent for him and had him thrown into a den of lions.
And for 40 days and 40 nights the lions did debugger Daniel,
And Daniel did likewise debugger the lions.
And when he came forth, Daniel saw the King's daughter, who was exceeding great fair.
"Fuck me!" shouted Daniel, and 20,000 innocent bystanders were crushed in the rush.
Here endeth the first lesson.
Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Comments (14)
To post a comment, you need to login or signup.